How this tip came to be one of my favourite anchors

Similar to the old money-wise proverb I grew up hearing in England, “Save the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves,” the same is true with “go for moments, not states”. It is very liberating to focus on moments and not your whole life past or future. It brings an inner freedom when you don’t dwell on thoughts that make statements about your total sense of identity in a global, ‘fixed’ storyline about yourself.

This, however, is very, very hard for many of us.

Moments shape a day, which shape a week, which shape the year and eventually, added up, will shape your life into one you truly feel is worth living.

There is no ‘arriving’….

As human beings, with our sensitive nervous systems and capacity to reflect on our experiences, it is important to remember, there is no arriving into any kind of permanent state of inner anything (peace, joy, hope, happiness – you get the drift…!).

The trick is what we do inside, mentally, physically when the distress happens. Every one of us can experience moments of peace, joy, calm, as well as moments of anguish, despair, distress, fear, hurt. We can learn, moment by moment to shape our inner experiences inside the moment so that we feel a bit better about ourselves, our lives, about life and the world on the inside. That’s our sphere of greatest influence. From this anchoring within as many teachers and guides have suggested and the science now backs it up, we have a place of choice, perspective and capacity to find the wisdom we need to respond to the moment, as it is.

I know for many years in earlier decades of my life, I had a powerful but automatic narrative circulating in my psyche. It went something like, “If I could just get more of x, y, or z (better work, better relationships, more meditation, more yoga, more sleep, more friends, more….) THEN I’d feel better/peaceful/happy/joyful/relaxed…”

OR it went, “If I didn’t have to deal with x, y, or z (debt, upsetting relationships, work issues, etc.) THEN I’d feel better/happy/peaceful/content”.

My mind functioned in an endless measuring process of evaluating myself, usually when I was feeling off and unhappy, against who I should be or what I should have more of (and/or what I should have less of in myself, my life, my work). Worse, I noticed this tendency mapping onto my lens with my children – worrying endlessly about their little lives, well-being and how I was and wasn’t doing enough or well enough for them (more on that old mother/father/parent guilt in a newsletter soon!)

I realized that the root of the problem isn’t US!

It is the narrative that somehow got rooted in our psyche that ‘as is’ is NOT ok. Embedded in the cultural, political, social narratives circulating endlessly around and through us is that we must be somehow in an endless project of ‘self-improvement’ and reaching for some future self now that we hoped maybe we might be someday.

But what a message this gives ourselves, today.

It’s fundamentally a self-rejection at best, and at worst, it is self-loathing. It is a narrative that is rooted in shame, which Brené Brown has unpacked and outed for its impact so well and that Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer, along with many self-compassion researchers have provided robust evidence for.

Creative idea for working with “go for moments not states”.

If you’re like me you don’t find journaling your thoughts, free style, very helpful and you are looking to get creative juices you could try this instead:

1.     In a specially selected beautiful journal, write the monthly wisdom tip - start creating your own unique Book of Finding Wisdom (or some other title you like!)

2.     At the end of each day - Jot down your findings like an explorer’s ‘field notes’ about your experiences from working with this tip  

3.     HINT FOR IMPROVING MOOD! – Use colour, doodles around what you write, colour really lifts the spirits and brings out the childlike qualities in us. Decorate the page like an ancient Book of Kells or sacred manuscript. This is your own wisdom on paper.

4.     On the weekend - Go over your week’s findings and gather them up in a reverie to savour your discoveries

5.     Monthly – Distill your own ‘wisdom nugget’. Create a short phrase to take forward into daily life

Presto! You’re creating your own “Book of Wisdom” with your own nuggets. Maybe you share this project with a friend (or keep it all to yourself) and have fun!

Getting practical – making this tip work for you…

Choose the quality you’d like more of as a type of set-point on your inner wisdom compass. Ideas to get you started:

Calming                       Grounding                              Accepting                    Optimistic

Happy active               Connection                             Easy-going                    Kindness           

Flowing                       Restful                                    Flexible                       Appreciative

Easeful                        Contentment                          Fluidity                        Hopeful

The process:

This is similar to finding your glimmers in polyvagal therapy for shaping your nervous system to feel more anchored into parasympathetic, ventral vagal regulation. Calm, safe, connected, happy active, rested and content, mobilized without being driven, wise problem solving (versus blindly fixing or putting out fires) are our body and mind’s experience when ventral pathways are lit up and regulating our limbic system.

This can only actually happen in the present, this moment. Training our nervous system to get there, more quickly and for longer is very possible. This practice will help you.

Attune to when moments of peacefulness, quiet happen, slow down and ease into them, inwardly.

Explore and try out things that might evoke peace and discover what does and doesn’t. Be the explorer of ‘peacefulness’ or ‘calm’ in daily life.

Savour the moment as it is happening. You can say inside, ‘Oh what a lovely quiet moment this is”. Notice and steep in it for 1 – 20 seconds. Re-savour the moments after, perhaps at the end of the day or week. This is actually a training program for your nervous system to learn how to experience ventral regulation feeling a sense of anchoring, responsiveness, wholeness. This shapes inside a sense of “I can do today” with a sense of possibility”.

Appreciate yourself for your efforts

Give your self appreciation for noticing or creating those glimmers. Visualize or speak an inner well-done or high five and value that you’re trying to feed yourself with what you really need. That’s self-care. Regardless of outcome. This helps to build that inner best friend that self-compassion practices aim to activate within our minds and thas been shown to be a most effective influence on mental health and well-being. We tend to be so hard on ourselves but some days, having one moment of inner appreciation for seeing the trees out of a window or a smile on a child’s face is something you can say ‘well done, you noticed’ and appreciate yourself for can really make a difference to how you feel about yourself. Over time, you’ll find you’re less hard on yourself and you have more spontaneous moments of being kind and appreciative of your efforts. You’ll find that better feeling experiences tend to happen more spontaneously because you’re becoming skilful and creating them or recalibrating to a different internal foundation when you are thrown off balance.

Pick a quality a week, a month, a day, whatever makes it interesting and keeps you on the exploration.

Go for moments, not states!

How this tip came to be one of my favourite anchors